You can blame it on AutoCorrect, SpellCheck, or just plain old lack of spelling skills, but social media continues to be a bottomless pit of unintentional laughs. Here is my latest batch of Facebook foul-ups, with my comments in parentheses:
“Asbestos I can figure, I can retire soon.” (Hopefully not from teaching).
“He left the seen of the accident.” (And I seen him do it!)
“I’m proud of our twins. Our son is Dennis, and our daughter is Dense.” (But we love her anyway).
“Our son is about to graduate with honors. I love seeing him sore!” (Hopefully he will heal after getting his diploma).
“If I have to, I will take him to small clams court!” (Can you back up those clams?)
“I’m kinda sad, feeling a little melon collie today.” (I haven’t heard of that particular breed).
“On the news, they say the main roads are clear, but the secretary roads are still slick.” (Secretaries better stay home, then!)
“Congradulations to my daughter, she won the spelling bee!” (Probably not a home-schooled student).
“I always hated being in the spelling bee. I knew I would loose.” (I bet you were right).
“I’ve been wrecking my brain, but I can’t remember.” (You may want to take it to the body shop).
“When I was little, my mama would give me castro oil.” (Did you grow up in Cuba?)
“It’s no wonder he got convicted. That persecutor was good in the courtroom.” (Well, that’s his job).
“I just hope this time, justice is severed.” (Only if they don’t cut out the testimony).
“We played good ‘til the end, but they won with a buzzard beater.” (And there were feathers all over the court).
“If he don’t stop drinking, he’ll end up with psoriasis of the liver.” (And maybe dandruff on the heart.)
“That is just the apitamy of stupid.” (Well, it was until now).
“I love that girl, she is a real sweatie pie!” (But don’t say that to her face).
“Make no misteak about it, I will not tolerate an employee who won’t do his job.” (You may want to hire a proofreader).
“They should be able to figure this out, it isn’t rocket scientist.” (Then who is it?)
“What a great day for Queen Elizabeth. She’s been on the thrown for 65 years!” (Long may she rain).
“Hey, I’ve got some tickets to the concert that I can’t use. If you want to go, just massage me.” (Well, okay, but can that wait until after the concert?)
“I’ve got a wedding dress for sale. It comes with the veal.” (I’ll just have the vegetables).
“Did you hear about my husband? He’s been indicted into the Hall of Fame.” (That’s the happiest indictment, ever).
“How will I be able to make end’s meat? (I’d contact a butcher).
“Has anyone heard about his funeral arraignments?” (I wish the law would finally leave Uncle Ned alone).
“Does anyone have the recipe for that chicken permission?” (Yes, but I don’t have the parmesan to tell you).
“Here are some pics of my cute little nephew. He’s tuna half years old.” (That’s great, when he turns three, let minnow).
“Be careful when you buy milk. Always check the inspiration date.” (I’ve been looking everywhere for some inspired milk).
“They had better hurry, I am running out of patients!” (If that happens, I guess your medical practice will close, right?)
“Yay me, I just got excepted to nursing school!” (I passed every exam, accept spelling).
“Please don’t take a fence when I tell you this.” (Otherwise, my cows might get out).
“This teacher said he would fell me.” (Like a big oak tree).
“I say this with all do respect.” (Do tell?)
“If any of you parents need a night off, I do baby setting.” (Where do you set them?)
“My husband is so accident prong.” (Then whatever you do, don’t let him use a fork).
“This is such a heart worming story.” (Be sure to tell it to a veterinarian).
“At this rate, the Braves will at least clinch a playoff birth.” (Well, the fans are certainly expecting it).
“I love homecoming week. The cheerleaders always throw a bomb fire.” (I’ll watch that from a safe distance).
“Let me explain it to you, plaid and simple.” (But you look better in solid colors).
“I may start going back to church. I hear they have a new pasture.” (I hope there’s some shade).
“He just got out of the hospital, with a case of ammonia.” (We can use that to clean the house).
And finally: “Anybody want some apple butter? It’s all ho made.” (I’d better not comment on that one).
Keep ‘em coming, folks! I don’t think we’ll run out of these any time soon.