Where are your salad bowels?

The hits just keep on coming. Ever since I wrote some stories earlier this year about misspelled words, the floodgates have opened. You don’t have to look far on social media, or on store signs, to see how spellcheck is failing America. So sit for a spell, and lower your expectations.

(Click here and here for the previous stories.  If you haven’t read them already, trust me.  They’ll make you laugh.  Unless you cry).

Two signs in well-known retail establishments are among the nominees for the Bad Spelling and Punctuation Hall of Fame. A sandwich shop has a sign on the door informing us that “Due to high demand, we are out of salad bowels.” We all know, bowels can indeed be demanding at times. (And don’t get me started about “pizza’s.”)

Another sign, in a department store that sells groceries, advertises “Banana’s 29 cents by the each.” Any way you look at that one, it is off-target. (By the way, the store wasn’t “WalMark.”)

A Facebook battle ended with one combatant attacking another: “You are Miss Informed.” I wonder if she knows Miss Leading and Miss Understood.

Another Facebook argument caused a man to warn his foe, “You better get your ducks in a roll.” When it comes to spelling, this gentleman is no roll model. Nor is he a row model, which I guess has to do with boating.

While you’re out on the water, be sure to look for candy. I know this because a local supermarket sign directs shoppers to a big sale on the “Candy Isle.” Any spillage could create quite a mess, calling for a cleanup on Isle 7. Bring a mop.

That reminds me of the Facebook lady who was tired after a full day of housework: “It seems like I’ve been moping all day.” My heart is with you. I’d be moping too.

I did see an interstate highway sign warning motorists, “Do not cross the medium.” Technically that is incorrect, but in all fairness, I understood completely.  (Plus, I’ve never wanted to get on the bad side of a fortune teller anyway.)

Speaking of highways, here is a Facebook post written by a man who felt he was unfairly ticketed for a traffic incident: “It was not my fault. I had the right away.”

Occasionally, we feel compelled to comment on the rich and famous folks who appear on our Facebook feeds. One actress was all over the tabloids due to a noticeable weight loss. A commenter took note of the thin celebrity, commenting, “She’s not just skinny, she looks plum emancipated to me.” (Abe Lincoln is spinning in his grave right about now.)

Political commentary is also a frequent sight on social media. I have seen several references to President Trump as our “commander and chief.” History students know the correct term is “Commander in Chief.” Not to be confused with Chief Cook and Bottle Washer, a title that many of us seek to achieve.

Back to the political debates, I’ve seen a Facebook fellow who demands the President be allowed to “protect our boarders!” He did not specify the exact dangers his boarders are facing, nor did he reveal the amount of rent they pay. He did get advice from a friend who didn’t seem very optimistic. He replied simply, “Don’t hold your breathe.”

We still struggle with many baffling sound-alike words: coarse and course, whether and weather (“I can’t tell weather he’s lyin or not”), and polls vs. poles (“They keep saying Trump isn’t doing well in the poles, but nobody has ever poled me!”)

Medical words have so many letters, and they’re easy to misspell and mispronounce. That guy who tries to ease your back pain? Many of us call him a “choir-practor.” Maybe he sings, joined by other vocalists as he manipulates your spine.

I always sympathize when I read about folks who are suffering from “newmonia.” No matter how you spell it, I feel your pain.

I do however, smile a bit when someone says they used the free “ballet parking” at the wedding reception. I just hope the attendants weren’t too embarrassed when they donned their tutus.

We are justifiably proud of our military personnel, but be careful not to post that your uncle is a proud veteran of “Dessert Storm.” That is actually a perfect description of me at the sweets buffet at Western Sizzlin. That, my friend, is a dessert storm.

I do have one nominee for the “Spellcheck Fail of the Year.” Somehow, a friend’s wayward fingers hit the wrong letter when attempting to type the word, “sweet.” For whatever reason, the so-called smart phone turned it into “sewer.” The resulting sentence, “She’s such a sewer girl,” may have changed the intended meaning.

Finally, If you are trying to say, “We need to assess the damage,” don’t leave out the last “s” in the word “assess.” I will leave that one for you to assess.

About David Carroll

David Carroll is a longtime Chattanooga radio and TV broadcaster, and has anchored the evening news on WRCB-TV since 1987. He is the author of "Chattanooga Radio & Television" published by Arcadia.

2 thoughts on “Where are your salad bowels?

  1. Dale Silverman

    I love this peace 😉 and I think you will love my Facebook page called “Dale’s Fails.” I posted this last night and my fans are loving it already. Please keep up the great work and check out my page as well.


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